I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dear god my vagina.
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