seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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