I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
