Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge