We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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