Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
