as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
