I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
