I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
