We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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