I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
