Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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You are the jesus of drinking
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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