stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Dignity is for republicans.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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