everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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