haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
