I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
