our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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