My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
