Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This toilet bowl is my home.
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