These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
