Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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