You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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