Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
