There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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