careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
