i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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