You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we made out on top of his cat.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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