remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
