i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
