Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
