It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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