Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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