Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
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Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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