Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
