if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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