I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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