$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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