4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
