Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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