I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
