He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
either way he was missing a nipple.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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