my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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