i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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