Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
