Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
