My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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