I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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