That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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