you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
