i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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