remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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