So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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