OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
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just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
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i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.