I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
