So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
