using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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