I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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