that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.