is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
