I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
