Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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